Friday, July 4, 2008

Honest Blogging?

i got a link in my e-mail about a mom/tooth fairy forgetting to leave money under her child's pillow (thanks Tay). It was hilarious and I've done it before to the tears of my little one. I hadn't read a blog in a long time so I read more of her blogs and I just loved it. (if someone would show me how to put a link to her blog I'd be able to send you there) She is so honest and real about her struggles and I had a revelation!! (stop laughing Nicole!)

I was really excited about blogging when I started the blog. That was before we moved to Tuskegee and when I had many pleasant things to blog about. Life has not been easy since we moved to Tuskegee so I didn't exactly want to post all of my struggles. That's why I created a private blog!!

The toothfairies blog really encouraged and challenged me. Am I really willing to bear all to the world? It's not a requirement I know but is my lack of sharing PRIDE! Am i not availing myself of an opportunity to be spurred on by those who read? be aided by their prayer? be encouraged by their advice and godly wisdom? Am I missing an opportunity to be helped because I only want to share happy, funny stories? Do I really want people to see only what I want them to see, but not get a real picture of me?

Once again, I know blogging is not a required spiritual discipline. I have shared my struggles with my friends, but what if the Lord would use this is my help build some of the community that is so desperately missing in life. Who knows? Maybe we'll see! Here it goes...

Atlanta was great!!!! So great that it is hard returning to Tuskegee!!! I miss seeing my friends everyday. I miss having someone for the kids to play with everyday. I miss Publix, the mall, Target!!! I fill trapped here. I feel like I'm in this small box that I can't get out of. Not to mention on top of that I'm hormonal. I feel like I'm so often controlled by my feelings. I'm not sure I know how not to be. When I have a conviction about something I can push on even when I don't feel like it. When I don't have a conviction, that's so hard to do. One minute I think I should do one thing for well thought out biblical reasons. The next I believe I should do something totally different for different well thought out biblical reasons. I really do think these things out, but somehow something else will happen that will change my thought process. It's so very frustrating!!!

This morning I was crying out to the Lord for help! Asking Him for His wisdom and direction. I don't want to always waiver on decisions and constantly change my mind. After praying for awhile, I thought maybe a Psalm would help so I just opened the Bible to see where it would land. Guess where? The Lord loves me so!!!! Psalm 43

You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?

Yes yes yes!!! I never understood why the Psalmist would ever feel rejected by the Lord. Now I do!!! I know it's not true, but the feeling is real! Why am I mourning, oppressed by the enemy?

Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me;
Yes yes yes!!! That's what I need the Lord's light and truth to guide me!!

let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then will i go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

The Lord is soooo good!! I will continue to pray for the Lord's light and truth to guide me to the place where He dwells. That's where I want to be!! Will you pray with me?

This struggle and I'm sure many others that are not as clear at the present are often paralyzing. When I'm stressed I'm emotionally and thus physically drained. I get so tired that it's hard for me to manage my life. I'm frustrated with everybody around me because I'm frustrated with myself. I fight to focus on the truth. Sometimes I win and know the truth, but the emotional struggle is soooo energy draining! I can never really know what I will accomplish in a day because I get so tired and discouraged!!! I have a sweet friend who holds me accountable for making a schedule and that helps a lot, but the underlying issue that makes it so hard to accomplish tasks is this uncertainty about my life and decisions when things are hard.

Okay I do believe that's enough for today! I will go on in the strength that God provides. He is faithful and I know He will see me through this! PRAY!!!


These Three Kings said...

oh my goodness!!!! I just want to scream and hug you!! I know this feeling.. I felt this way on my birthday.. cant wait to share with you.. anyway.. man, girl.. one of the things that I just keep hearing the LORD say is.. I am sovereign over you struggles... tho, I can take them away at any moment.. I wont.. I am more concerned about your CHARACTER THAN YOUR COmfort... I have just begin to READ AGAIN.. TRUSTING GOD EVEN WHEN LIFE HURTS.. by Jerry Bridges -GET IT TONI.. it will encourage the mess out of you... I am praying for you.. and I know the LORD will continue to show you HIs beauty and Character all through Skeggee..
continue to search and look and He promises to reward our faithfulness...

I Love you my sister sooooo much!

Anonymous said...

Girl, it's good to see that you're back. With a new look and everything!! LOL

I feel you with where you are. We've got to try again with praying together. I'm sorry that I didn't follow through.


Brian and Ella said...

thank you for sharing that and being so transparent!! now i know better how to be praying for you!!

i am so glad you are blogging again, and it was so good to see you and your family today!! thanks for spending the morning with us! i would love to get together with you and your kiddos sometime soon...we would love to come see where you are in tuskegee! let's find a good day...we're pretty much free any time!!

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