Monday, January 2, 2012

My Baal . . . Selfishness

Then the sons of Israel cried out to the Lord saying, We have sinned against You, for indeed, we have forsaken our God and served the Baals." My idol: SELF!

This was from my quiet time this morning!!!!!!! I was convicted, I guess. I feel like I have sinned in this area, but I'm not convinced! I'm praying for the Lord's real true and undeniable conviction.

Amorri was here this past week! We had so much fun. We don't normally get to spend that much time with her bc she's with her daddy most of the time she's here. But because he was in the hospital from the gunshot wound she was with us ALL week. We had a blast. I was wondering why it seems so much more fun when she's here. Last night I threw around many possibilities. This morning after reading that verse I believe it's because I give my life away @ that time . . . I'm not selfish. I want her to have a good time so I'm not concerned about how I'm going to get my time, my rest, my refreshment! The thing about it is, that's only temporary. I know I'll only have to do that for a few days!! How do I then make that my lifestyle. Dying to self continually!!!!!!

As I cried out to the Lord this morning like the Israelites. I confessed to the Lord my fear of starting well on this journey of self denial, but then failing miserably. I've been down this road before and I've never made it very far. Well that's not true. I've grown a lot in this area, but I don't continue down the road. I travel a distance and, I guess, figure I've gone far enough and stop traveling. I may even turn back a little.

It's amazing how the Lord brings His message from many different areas. Yesterday @ church Terrance was preaching from 1 Peter 2:11 Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which WAGE WAR against your soul."

The Lord is amazing!! Even as I'm typing this I remember reading this about a month ago in one of my mini bathroom quiet times :) and being struck by the idea that my sin was WAGING WAR against me!!! I was struck then about how serious that sounded and that's exactly what Terrance brought out yesterday!!


Which means there is not a time that I can let my guard down! I have to be CONSTANTLY @ war , by the power of God's Spirit.

I was also struck with the idea that my struggle is the war God has given ME to fight. Everyone's struggle is different! Theirs will not be like mine nor mine like theirs.

Also from the sermon yesterday, we'll constantly be @ war until the Lord returns. If I'm looking for a break, I'm looking for the wrong thing! That may be part of the problem with my fighting!!!! That truth caused me to want to embrace whatever my fight is! I can't get tired of fighting the same fight year after year. Knowing that should the Lord deliver me from this, He will reveal another area in which I'd have to fight. If I wasn't fighting this same thing over and over it would be something else, no less difficult! I was clear of all this yesterday, but I didn't have a particular sin issue to attach it to! Now praise God I do!!!

This selfishness I've served and not God!! The Lord has revealed this many times and I've experienced such freedom when I'd surrender to the Lord's will and call, but over time I wouldn't continue. So as I cried out to the Lord this morning I confessed my lack of perseverance and prayed that He would uphold me in the fight against my self! I know I can't do it without His help! I've tried far too many times, far too many years!!

So AGAIN I surrender to this call from the Lord because that is what this is!!!

The Lord has called me. . . through my circle of influences, my hearts desire, prayer and circumstances . . . to this very thing! This parenting, this homeschooling, this minstry!

It WILL require much more of my life than I really want to give! It's not unreasonable though, Jesus gave it all for me!

John Piper on time tweeted:

@JohnPiper: There are dreams that should wait for the age to come. The world is fallen and there are other things to do. They will come.

There will be a time when the war will cease and I will have time for other things. Even in this life that day will come. But this isn't it and ultimately rest will only come when Jesus does!! Can I embrace that? A life of work and war for the Kingdom of God and the Glory of the King!! O how I long for the answer to be a final YES!!! but I know it's only by God's grace. I need it so much!!! and I know that it will be a constant fight!!! I'm at war and it's a battle for my soul! By God's grace, I'm ready to fight!!!!



These Three Kings said...


I need to read this EVERYDAY!!! Again, very encouraging. Thank you for sharing and being so transparent.

Ella said...

loved this, sweet friend. might as well just copy and paste what nicole just said. :)

i can so relate!! i can clearly see that most (if not ALL) of my frustration/stress throughout the day is a result of my own selfishness. ugh!

thanks for your encouraging words!!